LOYALTY…Just How Far Does One Go?

In a recent small group, I was part of a discussion that centered around “LOYALTY”. Not loyalty like in a king or a queen, but loyalty towards one another in a friendship. The predominant questions from the group members were, “Just how loyal should one be to a friend?”; “How do you know if the loyalty is genuine?”;” Does it last forever?”; “What happens when the one on the receiving end of the loyalty suddenly has a memory loss on how loyal you have been, and suddenly its as if you never existed in their past?”; Why be loyal at all, after all, aren’t you just going to be disappointed in the end?”  WOW – these were good thought provoking questions; questions that many of us would shy away from and quite frankly I (Charlie) was a little uneasy with. However, I must say, after a two and a half hour session, I left very enlightened! 

First, let’s look at how WEBSTER defines loyalty:“the quality of being loyal to someone or something; a strong feeling of support or allegiance.”  Hmm. By this definition: Sher and I are loyal to one another; Sher and I are loyal to our children and grandchildren; Sher and I are loyal to our natural brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews and such, whole heatedly – without question – completely sold out – after all, they are our flesh and blood relatives and we are there for them! As for our relationships outside of our family, well, “loyalty extended” by Charlie and Sher falls at different levels. I (Charlie) never looked at it this way, until after this very thought provoking – Spirit led conversation within my small group. The best analogy I can give is this conversation on loyalty: Loyalty is like a fine wine. Wine making is a very “gentle” process and the more time invested, the finer the wine – which increases the value. Each wine has its own flavor and uniqueness of texture- and its bouquet. Not every person likes every kind of wine. Some like it sweet, some dry and some just don’t like wine at all! It’s all about what appeals to the individual taste. So goes loyalty. Loyalty is a gentle process. The more time you put into building loyalty, the more valuable it becomes. However, loyalty comes in at various levels and at various comfort levels. In past blogs we have discussed safe people – safe friendships. Loyalty will flourish very well in a safe relationship, however, loyalty will almost be non-existent in relationships that are not safe. Loyalty comes with what we call a “covenant relationship”. What is a covenant relationship? First of all, covenant relationships happen over a long time. Many times covenant relationships do not happen because people do not stay in them long enough to make the covenant happen. Personally, we need to learn a lesson as to how to “STAY”! Anyways, covenant relationships for Sher and I happen along the pathways of our life journeys. It is our belief that covenant relationships last for life – DESPITE the trials and hurts that will attack these relationships – they will be preserved – because first of all, God knit you together in the relationship and second, you have made a choice to preserve the relationship no matter what. When you make the decision to cultivate, to guard and to sustain covenant relationships under the guise that everything and anything that can go wrong, will go wrong and whether problems get solved or unsolved – loyalty will be established. How does the Bible define loyalty solidly based in a covenant relationship? Well Sher and I believe it is found in John 15:12,13 – “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.”  All relationships have pressures. We, Sher & I, have been hurt the most by the people we love the most – and boy has that put pressure on us! However, this pressure has driven us to our knees many times and from this we have come to this conclusion: “How awful would it be to end a relationship in a bad way based on what we want.” What? Yeap. Based on my small group discussion, we discovered as a group the same ray of light Sher & I had; that many relationships have ended because we would not let go of what we wanted or over the desired outcome we desired. Band Aids por favor?  When we begin to respect one another for what and who we are, then people – we have covenant – people, we have loyalty. 

You’re probably wondering how my small group answered those questions on loyalty? Well, I’m not going to tell you. You see, that’s a personal decision, a unique decision, that quite frankly, you have to make on your own. HOWEVER, I will say this, all of my small group friends have experienced their fare share of covenant breakers in their lives that have caused great emotional hurts to some of them. Some called it betrayal, but we all decided that’s too strong a wording. So, we decided it was more a breach in covenant or a breech that occurred where there never was a covenant to begin with. One thing for sure, we all decided on this: “If unresolved conflict comes between friends, and there is absolutely no resolution, we all decided it would be best to part as friends than to allow a breech in the covenant to occur.” Basically, no personal want or desire supersedes the covenant, the loyalty in the relationship.

Let me close this blog with a situation I personally was involved in. I was consulting a business partner of a two person partnership, I’ll call that partner, Bob. Bob’s partner’s name was Dave. Dave started the business. He was a visionary and Dave developed the product. Dave never finished college, he had no business sense nor marketing skills, but he was a very outgoing person, and well liked by all he came in contact with. Dave had a great product, but couldn’t get the business to first base! Then along came Bob. The two men became the best of friends and Bob had every skill Dave did not have. A match made in heaven! The two men made a covenant with one another. They promised that they would never let anything come between them that would bust up the business or their friendship. For 10 years the two partners could do no wrong and their business soared. Bob shared all he knew about business and marketing, as well as some very awesome business tactics with Dave. Dave ate them up like a monkey on a banana! In the 11th year of the business, Dave began to take more and more credit for the business accomplishments, and Bob, who helped Dave reach his level of success, fell more and more into the backdrop. It wasn’t long before Dave referred to Bob as his valuable employee and that Bob was the man he is toady because of Dave’s ability to develop leaders. I remember sitting there as Bob told me his story saying to myself – WOW! (profound, wasn’t I?) For those of you who say, “What was Dave’s side of the story?” Believe me, Bob’s version was the truth, the dead on truth! This whole situation could have been resolved if both men understood boundaries and had them in place- BUT that’s for another blog! Oh yeah, what happened to Bob? Well, first of all, Bob felt very hurt and debased. Secondly, he tried to talk with Dave. Bob expressed his thoughts and feelings to Dave. Dave’s response, “Common Bob, we go way back. We are a team, and it doesn’t matter who gets the atta boys, we’re a team.” 

For Bob, this created more questions and assumptions then answers! The long and short of it, Bob continued on in his job just being thankful he had a job he loved. However, as time went on and Dave treated Bob more like a “machine” than a partner. Bob’s business and home life were severely affected. Bob gave 12 years of his life to this business and his covenant partner Dave, his best friend, only to be forgotten as the business was at it’s highest point. (As viewed from Bob’s heart.) Bob could not understand why Dave would treat him this way and why would Dave forget or neglect all of Bob’s successful efforts to build the company? Bob feeling dishonored, sat with Dave and sold his portion of the company to him. Bob and Dave parted as friends and to this day they remain friends – they play golf twice a month. Bob went on and established his own company and is doing very well. Dave sold his company to a large firm overseas and is living very well in southern California.

What horrible feelings Bob lived with in those last few years. He felt all his years of service and accomplishments were discounted and he was just, in Bob’s words, “a machine”. I cannot tell you how many people I have spoken with in the past few years that have similar stories! Incredibly, in my wrap-up with Bob, he made a statement to me that whacked me along side of my head with a cement block! Bob said this, “The Word of God says in I Corinthians 9:24,25, “You’ve all been to the stadium and seen the athletes race. Everyone runs; one wins. Run to win. All good athletes train hard. They do it for a gold medal that tarnishes and fades. You’re after the one that’s gold eternally.”  Leave to the Word of God and of course Bob to put this all in proper perspective! When all is said and done – we have an eternal reward to look forward to! Despite all that we go through in all types of relationships, no matter how unjust they may sound or be – God’s promises are true and Amen! Gold that will not tarnish!

So, loyalty, just how far does one go? Hopefully after reading our thoughts on it and hopefully after your own study and prayer – you can decide.

Until next time, May God Richly Bless You!  Love, Charlie & Sher